Sunday, September 27, 2009

Here Come The Slutty Tween Halloween Costumes

The "Red Hot Mama" Pimp costume: Comes in matching teen sizes for those moms who like to dress up with their daughters.

Back to school time is slightly funereal around here. No one wants to give up the ghost of carefree summer days. The one thing that makes life still worth living in light of long school days and strictly enforced bedtimes?

Halloween Costume Catalogs.

God bless the marketing geniuses that time the arrival of these things with the certain realization that your fabulous new "cool" teacher is actually going to make you bust a hump and do some homework.

My kids love to spend hours pouring over the catalogs, discussing what they'll be this year. It's a critical decision. You only get so many costume choice years of childhood in between the the time when your mom still makes you dress up like a farm animal and you're far too old to be trick or treating any more.

We have a few rules in our household. I'm not a fan of branded character costumes. But I'm not inflexible. I've been known to waive my high ideals for a really cute Wall E or Princess Aurora costume. With the big girls I'm a little harsher. No matter how much they beg? No fetishwear.

I know, cruel. What kind of mother am I anyway?!

Banning the fetish wear does not prevent me from making fun of it though. Each year I am more and more amused (amused because horrified gets old, and laughter is the best medicine, right?) by the halloween costume fails perpetrated on girls my daughter's age. So without further ado, here are some of the costumes that will not be making the cut in our house this year.
Tween Little Bo Peep (in fishnets) costume: I sure hope that losing her sheep is not a metaphor for something else. Little Bo needs a bathrobe!

Teen Strawberry Shortcake Costume: See mommy, I'm still your little girl. I'm dressed up like a children's character. I'm not on ecstasy! I just love you sooooo much. Can we hug? Fake ID what?Teen Rootin Tootin Cowgirl Costume. Comes with teen pregnancy test and cancelled Disney sitcom contract. The Teen Oktoberfest Bar wench. Das es Nicht Gut. Or something like that. Keep your lederhosen on little lady!

The Tween "French Maid" Uniform. I'd only relent if the costume caused my kids to clean their rooms. But they would never ever be allowed to leave those rooms once they were clean.

Note: all of the above are REAL costumes sold on many sites this season. The same sites sell a lot of adorable costumes that are appropriate for teens and tweens, and not just call girls and bored housewives. Maybe if you buy some of the costumes that are cute, there will be less of this mess next year. Then again, I'd have nothing to make fun of. And that would be a shame.


Sarah Auerswald said...

These are pretty ridic. Makes me breathe a sigh of relief to have sons.

mothership said...

I've seen some of these costumes for children as young as SIX! Makes me want to weep!
When did dressing up become purely about sex? Poor girls..

Holly said...

Not a single costume that doesn't show major leg. Yikes! I'm liking the princess costumes hanging in my daughter's closet more and more. And I'm thankful that my 5 y.o. chose Hermione Granger this year--she wears a full-length cloak and shirt buttoned to the neck with a tie!