Where the Wild Things Scarred (my kids for life!)

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This Bat Mitzvah Brought to you By...

The Papparazzi was present, along with a few select brands at Nancy O Dell's Daughter's Birthday Party. Star Jones was the poster bride for sponsored weddings. And now, not to be outdone, we have my oldest daughter's Bat Mitzvah.

Oh sure, I'm no celeb. But according to at least one site you don't have to be a celebrity to seek out sponsors. You can do it if you're even a little bit famous, cough cough. Like say... a blogger.

I've yet to personally embrace the whole "Sponsored Blogger" trend* but lets face it folks. Bat Mitzvahs are expensive. There's the private helicopter that delivers you to the reception, the troupe of break dancers that do lap dances for your great uncle if you pay them extra, the fireworks, the cherries flambe atop the ice sculpture atop the river of chocolate surrounded by the ice cream & candy buffet. Plus it all has to be Kosher. Do you know how expensive kosher "Shrimp" Cocktail is these days?

Fortunately for my daughter, I am an eagle eyed trendwatcher. I see the way personal blogs are going to the big brand dawgs, and thus I am finally seeing a solution for the whole "how to pay for the Bat Mitzvah" issue. I've discussed it with my darling tween daughter. I wisely made sure to get her fresh off an episode of My Super Sweet 16. Together, we have decided to open up this Simcha for Swagcha.

Can you see it now? This reception is not only a family get together. It is a fabulous marketing opportunity. Sponsors not only have a chance to reach out to and brush elbows with illustrious and diversely Jewish relatives like Uncle Dave, Aunt Ellen and Cousin Jon, they have a chance to make their Bat Mitzvah sponsor awesomeness known across the entire blogosphere. Here's a few scenarios:

1. Kedem can sponsor the ceremonial wine and provide large bunches of grapes for the buffet backdrop. Out of deference to the temple, they can also provide decorative/branded airsickness bags in the restrooms for the inevitable: that an unknowing teen or alcoholic relative snags more than a few extra shots and find themselves second guessing that decision.

2. Manischewitz can bring in some artists to construct a giant matzah diorama of the Old City of Jerusalem on one side of the dais and do a spray painted matzah Jewish Star walk of fame (provided we can solve the debate over whether Marilyn M was or was not a MOT) thus merging our daughters love of tradition with her desired theme of Hollywood glam.

3. We could never leave out Rokeach, so we'd ask them to contribute all the candles we'll be needing. They haven't been getting a lot of social media attention lately, possibly due to the fact that aside from sabbath candles, their bread and butter comes from candles sold to honor the dead. We'd like to help bring new life to their company by running a contest amongst our readers for the most clever reuse of the glass containers (juice cup anyone?). Winner gets the privilege of getting a mention by our Rabbi and chance to light one of the candles in our family candle lighting ceremony.

Let's face it. We're going to need more than matzoh and wine to make this reception truly memorable though. Goodmans, Entennmans, Wissotzky, you're all invited to break (and supply) bread with the mishpucha. But why stop there? We're also looking for a fine Jewish hot air balloon company, lighting, special effects and of course, performers (Note: Jo Bros, we'll make you honorary Jew Bros for the day if you'll don kippot). No idea is too crazy to consider. Sure no one is getting married here, but if you have a solid milk chocolate chupa that you want to highlight, let's talk.

When it comes to our little princess, no party detail is too outrageous to consider. Weddings may come and go, but she's only going to have one Bat Mitzvah.

And that's our pitch. Don't like it? We'll take cash instead.

* Disclaimer: Yes, fine, that was me passing out organic cough syrup at Blogher, my one claim to personal sponsorship fame. But honestly, it was practically a public service. People were coughing. They needed it.

Halloween Sluts...They're all Bitches

In part two of my Halloween Sluts coverage Halloween Sluts PLUS! I jokingly theorized that with tween and plus sized mamas being bombarded with fetishwear, it was was just a matter of time till pets got in on the act.

Well thanks to an eagle eyed reader, I am excited to tell you, that time is now!

That's right. It's official. EVERYONE is sexy on Halloween. No matter how old you are, what you weigh, how hairy you are, or even what species you belong to. There's a french maid and sexy pirate costume out there for you to get into and get your hot bitch groove on.

I'm not sure where this is going next. Any suggestions? Have sexy Halloween costumes jumped the shark or is there even more room for exploitation of this market?

Halloween Sluts...Plus

In part deux of my slutty halloween costumes coverage (lack there of?) I'd like to examine a phenomenon that is brand new this year. We saw it coming on last year but only recently has this concept blossomed into full figured ripeness.

"Fat"chicks are sexy too!

At least on Halloween. There was a time when plus size mamas were relegated to dressing as a witch or a nun or a hawaiian frocked tourist. Muumuuu ya big Moo Moo was the message then. The naughty nurse and hot supergirl costumes only came in size tween, small and medium.

But check out the mother-lode of xl hotness available this year:

Especially exciting to me is the fact that many of these xl costumes are *exactly the same* as the tween versions. You know what this means moms! We can shame our daughters out of wearing slutty halloween costumes by ordering up our very own matchy matchy suit! Even if we are a size 16!

Honestly, I'm not sure how to react. On the one hand I find it empowering and healthy to see that the mainstream has deemed it acceptable for plus sized women to strut their stuff. Who says only size four is sexy. On the other hand, I'm a little puzzled about when Halloween became a big ol' sex fest. What's next? Skeletons with pasties? Fluffy the ho-dog costumes?

Stay tuned till next year. In the meantime, I've got some hot mama costumes to order.

Girl Crush, Crashed

Goddess on the school blacktop
Burning like a silver flame
Show me the beauty and love
and XXXX was her name

From day one, the new mom in my daughter's class was hard to miss. Not as if she was trying to be ignored. At six ft tall, with supermodel long (and thin) limbs, she was hard to miss.

Being a mom can be boring. The predicable PTA meetings, the mommy cliques that bring us all back to jr high. The brand names have changed but we still dress alike to declare our social allegiance. Tribe Birkenstock warily eyes the members of Tribe Chanel Sunglasses.

But then she showed up. And to top it off, her goddess name. Bold. Unusual. Not trying even a little to fit in. She eats Amys and Jennifers for breakfast and tops em off with Summers and Aprils. At dusk she spits out their bones on the school's front lawn. I like her.

For the first month of school, each day at dropoff, the Goddess graced us with her get ups. Micro mini and furry stilletto boots. Feather earrings that grazed her skinny shoulderblades. Leather vests with tube tops beneath. All the better to see the tattoos dusting her back and shoulders. More! More! More! cried the mommies, and probably more than a few of the daddies as well. Finally, something other than a bake sale and parking lot traffic to talk about.

Honestly her big hair and layers of liquid eyeliner brightened my day so. I was afraid to have a conversation with her and let it get in the way of my admiration from afar. I text messaged friends daily to report on Goddess attire. They begged me to get a photo. I was a little tempted to ask her permission, which would require chatting, or worse, to snap a shot on the sly. Which would make me a renegade, by disassociation. Mom behaving badly. Just guessing what she'd turn up in today was thrill enough. My daughters played along too. They were more than a little wistful that I couldn't pull off four inch heels and leather skinny jeans. It was almost a bonafide girlcrush - family style. Until the day I saw her getting into her car.

The horror! The betrayal.The Kia minivan.

Goddess how could you!? Does Heidi Klum shop at Walmart? Does Giselle Bundchen hang out at Sizzler? I'm shattered. My girl crush has crashed. The object of my affection has toppled off the mountain top and landed flat on her suburban ass, in a minimall.

And we still need a fix for the parking lot traffic. I say we ban Kia minivans.